


Trust

by meesherbeans



Series: You Make Me Feel Human [17]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Canonical Character Death, F/M, Gun Violence, Hurt No Comfort, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,048
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meesherbeans/pseuds/meesherbeans
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Citadel is under attack and it falls to Kaidan to protect the Council. When Shepard appears, seemingly intent on killing one of them, he has to make a choice. Head canon interpretation of Priority: Citadel II. Shenko-heavy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Adrenaline courses through every vein in my body. I'm jumpy, if you get right down to it; haven't been in action for a few weeks, and now the Citadel is suddenly under attack. My free hand clenches into a fist as I think about the uniforms of the people staging this coup: Cerberus. The slippery bastards managed to find a hole in the defenses somehow. I run over possible weak points in my head, but I'm coming up short on ideas. They probably had an insider, which is even worse. Who would willingly work for terrorists?

"What's that noise?" The asari councilor sounds as worried as ever. My eyes shoot up to the elevator's roof, directly above our heads. Shit. They finally caught up with us. The familiar pull of gravity coalesces around me as I point my favorite pistol to the ceiling. They're _not_ taking this council out. Not while I'm around.

"Gunmen. Get down!" The elevator screeches to a halt as one of the councilors hits the break. At least I hope it's one of them. Just to be sure, I let off a few shots through the roof; maybe I'll get lucky and hit one of the assholes up there. The moment I hear those doors slide open, I yell. "Go!" Feet thud behind me as all three tumble into the Presidium.

The smell of smoke immediately greets my nose. That's not a good sign, but I'm too preoccupied making sure that the elevator doesn't magically turn into a Cerberus clown car. Unfortunately, the next thing I hear is exactly what I _don't_ want to hear.

A turian voice, low and concerned, reaches my ears. "The shuttle…"

I spin around, gun still aimed at the doors, and stare. God _damn_ it, they destroyed this shuttle, too? Where the hell am I supposed to…we'll have to try the next level, then. My throat clears and I start ordering them back. It's my job to protect them, and I try to make my voice as commanding as possible. "Cerberus took it out. Everyone back to the elevator."

They're not moving. Why aren't they moving? The three of them are staring at the elevator in surprise. I turn back and shock ripples down my body, straightening my posture. Alliance blue, bright red, gunmetal black. Scowl on her face, gun drawn, eyes narrowed.

Everything else, all my thoughts, screech to a halt. What is she doing here? I shift my weight to my back foot, gun hand lowering. Her arrival is a little convenient…but no. No, she swore she wasn't with Cerberus, and I believe her. Despite that, she's still got a gun drawn on the Council and I'm in charge of protecting them; I raise the gun again. Something is very wrong here.

"…Udina." We both don't like the new human representative, but I've never heard venom in her voice like that before. Not when talking to that former gang member, or even the Reaper on Virmire. Realization suddenly hits me: her gun is trained on the councilor.

It's all I can do to keep my jaw from dropping. What the _hell?_ "Shepard, what's going on?"

Silky yet slimy, Udina's voice slithers its way over to me. "Shepard's blocking our escape; she's still with Cerberus." My neck hair rises at the accusation. No way, she made it abundantly clear that she'd broken all ties. I believe her, too. After months of grappling with it and watching her and listening to her explanations, I really do believe it. That doesn't explain why she's here, though…

"That's ironic, coming from _you_." Hatred oozes out of every word she spits at him. The two of them have never gotten along, but this is too much. Is this personal? I can't imagine she'd ever purposefully try to kill the councilor. What the hell is going on here?

If they both don't stop, she's going to just shoot him and that won't explain anything. I take one step to the side, sliding in between them. Protecting him; doing my duty. I can't believe this. Now I have the love of my life pointing a gun at me! I'm protecting _Udina_ from her. As if things weren't insane already, Kaelia and I are now in a standoff…over Udina. If I wasn't on edge before, that realization would have done it. I try to make my voice as soothing as possible. I don't want to have to shoot her. I don't know if I can. "Just…hang on. Everyone calm down."

Even if she hasn't dropped her aim, her voice is a little softer. "We don't have time for this, Kaidan. This whole thing has been a setup." Garrus is probably the only other one who notices, but her elbow bent the tiniest bit, too. Good. The last thing we need is a shootout. The thought of having a shootout with Kaelia is... I shake my head. No.

"What are you talking about? Put the gun down." She should know me better than this. I swore an oath to the Alliance. I'm a Spectre now. I need to protect the Council, and that means not letting anyone – even her – gun them down. I steady my grip on my pistol, trying to completely shut my emotions down, but my eyes are pleading. _Please_ _don't do this._

Green eyes finally shift over to mine, widening for a split second before she's back under control. Her tone is low, composed. The anger is definitely still there, but that steel is underneath it all. This was the same conviction and confidence that she'd shown when talking down the Council about the Reaper threat. She clearly believes whatever information she has. "Would I do this if I weren't dead certain, Kaidan? _Would_ I? Udina's behind this attack – Councilor Valern confirmed it."

That is a damning accusation; far from the first she's ever made, though. And frankly, she's usually right about them…but accusing Udina of trying to seize power? That's a little far, even for her. I want to believe her – it's hard not to when she looks at you like that – but I don't know. My head slowly starts to warm up, pain building at the base of my neck. Damn, bad time for a tension headache. I slowly reach down to tap my medi-gel dispenser. Hopefully at a bare minimum, it'll stave off anything worse.

"Please, you have no proof. You never do." Rarely have I heard Udina actually be smug, but there it is. I'm not the one he's talking to, but even I want to slap him. "You admitted to working with Cerberus, and for all we know you still are." He isn't helping any; her arm just straightened and I note her finger wrapping around the trigger again. Dammit.

I brace myself for a shot when her arm moves in a blur to motion toward the elevator, but nothing happens. My barrier can take several direct shots, but if I know her, she has her gun modded with warp tech. She never was good at fighting biotics, and her best defense always was a good offense. For a split second green eyes turn to look at the sealed elevator door before looking at the other councilors. Her cheek is a little more cracked than it was last time. My gut twists at the reminder. She may not actually be the woman I love. "You want proof? There are Cerberus troops in the elevator shaft behind us; if you open that door, you're _dead_. We can't protect you from them all."

At least she used "we." That's something. I bite the inside of my cheek. If what she says _is_ true, could we take them on? Garrus is a crack shot, but he's out of his element, given the sniper rifle in his hands. She's amazing in hand-to-hand, but I saw a lot of Cerberus troops using the same type of combat moves. I'm good, but out of practice. Not being able to use my biotics the past few weeks drained me of a lot of my stamina. She's right: we wouldn't be able to protect all three councilors. My feet shift; this situation just keeps getting worse. Even if I do manage to keep her from killing Udina, it may end up not mattering in the end anyway.

Worried, but thoughtful, Councilor Tevos's voice softly rises above the sounds of battle below us. "We've mistrusted Shepard before, and that was not wise." She has a point. No matter how ridiculous it sounds, no matter how utterly absurd her claims are, Kaelia is almost always in the right. I _want_ to believe her. My eyebrows twist together, mind racing a mile a minute. What if she isn't right this time? We can't just shoot a councilor on her word. Stealing a ship is different from murder.

Udina's voice cuts through my whirlwind of thoughts. "We don't have time to debate this. We're dead if we stay out here. I'm overriding the lock." Soft steps are followed by the beginning of beeps. He's actually overriding it.

Even if she isn't right, I don't know if opening the elevator doors is the smart choice. Wouldn't she _want_ us to open the doors if she was – and I don't think she is – working with Cerberus? She never wanted to be a Spectre, but once she became one, she took it very seriously. So do I. We're both the Council's 'first and last line of defense.' My mind quickly runs over the idea of her actually being in on a plot to kill the Council. It just doesn't compute. She gave up valuable Alliance ships and people to _save_ them back during Sovereign's attack. Why would she kill them now? I hesitate, gun wavering for a moment. Her comment on Mars echoes through my mind. _You always were stubborn._ She's right; unless one of us stands down, I can only see this ending one way. "Shepard, look at us. This can't end well. Just…" I take a deep breath. _Steady._ "Put. It. Down."

The console beeps behind us. It sounds like he's getting close.

"No." My heart sinks as she resets the thermal clip, aiming straight at my chest. Gravity unconsciously forms around me at the hostile motion. She wouldn't… "I'll regret gunning you down for the rest of my life, but I _will_ do it. Don't make me, Kaidan. Please, trust me."

Her voice is as steady as a rock. The grip on her gun is perfect, finger lightly touching the trigger. The expression on her face is as unreadable as ever. She looks ready to put a bullet in my heart.

But I know her better than anyone.

That muscle below her ear is tensed and her jaw is clenched. Her stance, while a perfect military pose, isn't hers; she always stands more casually. Bright green eyes stare at me, practically begging me to stand down, to believe her, almost hurt. Guilt surges, washing over me: this is exactly like Horizon all over again. I didn't trust her then, took the Council's word over hers, and it nearly destroyed everything.

Not again.

I trust her, even now. She has no reason to want to take over the Citadel or the Council. They upheld her reinstatement and the turians are already allied with us. A move like this would only destroy any chance at asari support, and she cares about Earth too much to do something that would jeopardize that. I'm not making the same mistake I did on Horizon. I slowly lower my weapon, eyes still held captive by her barely constrained gaze. "I…do."

Her shoulders and gun immediately sink a few notches, right side of her mouth quirking up ever so slightly.

"To hell with this."

An explosion rips through the air from behind me. The next thing I know, Kaelia's on the ground, clutching her shoulder. Her shields were down…what shot her? I spin around and Udina has a gun. Where the hell did he get a… _Shit._ It's aimed straight at Councilor Sparatus.

He just shot Kaelia.

He's about to shoot the turian councilor.

Oh, hell no.

Anger immediately floods my body, arms instinctively raising to envelope him in a biotic lift. His bullet goes wild as the gun clatters to the ground. Behind me, I hear Kaelia try to mask a hissed curse… He shot her.

He fucking _shot_ her.

My arms fly down, biotic field slamming into the concrete. Udina immediately goes limp as his head bounces against the ground. Unconscious or dead? I'm not sure until blood begins to seep out of his ears. No way is he getting up from that. As the rage-fueled adrenaline fades, I hear a clang from the elevator shaft and it occurs to me that the danger isn't entirely past yet.

A muffled groan makes me twist back around, rushing to kneel next to her. "Shepard…" A quick once over tells me it isn't fatal. He got her in the shoulder, right between the shoulder guard and breast plate; Udina was either an amazing or incredibly lucky shot. It still has to hurt like hell though, and it smells bad. _Might be poisoned…_ I try to make her sit up, Garrus doing the best he can to help.

"The door!" A gravelly turian voice, pitch heightened with stress, echoes off the metal walls.

Dammit. Sparks fly out as the elevator door starts to get sliced open with a torch. Garrus must have hacked the lock good if they need to resort to that.

She shoves me away with her good arm, growling at me. "…Kaidan… Protect the Council. I'll be fine."

"No." The last thing I am going to do is leave her exposed like this. No way, no how. I already failed to protect her when the Normandy blew up before, and that is _not_ going to happen again. Before she can argue in response, I grab the arm that didn't get shot and drag her across the floor, shoving her behind me. I push my barrier, weak from that exertion, far out enough to cover us both and – by proxy – the two councilors standing behind us.

Through my armor, I feel her arm pushing against my leg. A quick glance down tells me that she's still got her gun aimed at the door. Fighting no matter what; it's so her. _Not the time to revel in how she still acts the same; there could be a huge group of Cerberus about to blow us all away_. I pop out the heat sink in my pistol, new one shoved into place as I aim at approximately head-level.

Seconds tick by, Garrus tensely readying a sticky bomb from his vantage point in the corner. I don't even want to blink in case I miss it. Everyone seems to be holding their breath.

Finally the doors crack open, C-Sec officers in navy blue pouring through the doorway. Commander Bailey is at the head of them, pistol trained on us. We both blink at each other for a moment before lowering our defenses.

Her voice sounds as surprised as we all must look. "Bailey?"

"Made it as fast as we could, Shepard. Looks like you, uh…" His eyes quickly scanned the scene: Shepard bleeding from the shoulder, the two councilors behind us looking scared, me protecting them all, Udina dead and bleeding near the console. "Took care of things."

He doesn't sound that surprised, even with a dead councilor. Wonder why… I hear Kaelia clear her throat. "Is the way safe behind you?"

Bailey nods shortly, proud. "Cerberus was right here, but they beat feet into the keeper tunnels when they figured out that we were coming." Doubtful that's why they fled, but I won't say that. Those were heavily trained and armed soldiers chasing us; they must have been ordered to retreat.

Time to take charge. "Then evacuate the Council." I motion to the woman still sitting behind me. "I need to patch Shepard up."

"I'm _fine._ " She glares up at me, far too used to being in command. Being invincible.

Several C-Sec officers scurry around us, herding Councilors Tevos and Sparatus toward the landing platform. I kneel to hiss at her and reach for her shoulder guard. "Like hell you are. Sit still; it's not the first time I've had to patch you up." Damnably stubborn woman. I yank my gloves off and get to work delicately twisting her armor apart, sliding the arm plates over her hands first. At least she isn't physically fighting it…probably would hurt too much.

"You have saved my life twice now, Shepard." Sparatus's voice reaches us from behind us. A quick glance back shows me he's actually standing at attention. Huh, respect from him? That's new. "I owe you a personal debt as well as one on behalf of Palaven." I focus on gently pulling the mesh up so I can see the actual bullet wound. Blech, it's not a pretty one. The smell of fried tech wafts up to my nose; damn, Udina used a disruptor mod…it would've ripped through her shields if she had any up. I frown as I inspect the bruising. He planned this whole thing from the start.

I see a strained shake of red hair out of the corner of my eye. "Kaidan's the one who got Udina, not me. And you don't owe either of us a thing, Councilor. Times like this are when we all have to stick together."

Guilt weighs me down as I register her last sentence. It was definitely meant for me as well. She always did have a way with words when trying to make a pointed statement. I'm not the only one whose conscience is feeling it, though; Tevos's soft voice is laced with embarrassment as she reassures us, "We won't forget this, Commander. Major."

"Alright, people. Evacuate the principals to the Ascension. We have a tunnel and a million other places to secure. Move it." Bailey's voice strengthens as he starts do what he does best: order people around. I go about carefully seeing if I can pull the shard of metal out of her shoulder. As soon as his agents escort the two councilors into a shuttle, he turns and watches us. "You need me to send a medic?"

Before I can do more than softly shake my head, Kaelia's voice cuts through. " _No._ "

"Okay, okay." The shuttle door clanks shut and I assume Bailey flew off with the rest of them. It's quiet now, the only sound the crackle of burning rubble around us. A few long moments later, I come to the conclusion that this piece of metal isn't coming out here. I'm no doctor, and I don't have any tools either. I reach down to pull a spare medi-gel from my belt, opening it slowly. I never was good at opening them; more likely to spill it all over my armor than hit the spot that needed it. The invention of medi-gel injectors in suits was a huge relief for me.

I'm almost jarred when Garrus's voice rings in my ears. I had forgotten he was here…

"Good thing Udina was a horrible shot, Shepard." The turian sits down next to us, watching me gingerly slather medi-gel on her bullet wound.

I shoot her an apologetic glance when she sighs in pain. We both look over to him, Kaelia voicing the question we're both clearly thinking. "What do you mean?"

The initial smugness in his voice is a long-forgotten sound to me. I haven't heard it in years…forgot how much he loved teasing people. "You missed it because you two were too busy gazing at each other." Garrus's voice evened out as he continued, more sober. "But he had murder in his eyes. He was _not_ aiming to disable."

"Speaking of that, why weren't your shields up?" I grab a small piece of gauze and place it over the medi-gel, softly creating a bandage. She _always_ had her shields active, even when walking around in public.

Her good shoulder rose carelessly. "They were fried on the way here. Wasn't going to let something like no shields stop me from doing my job." Such a damnably stubborn woman. I try to keep my proud smirk from poking through, biting the inside of my cheek. She hasn't changed at all from what I remember.

"You done yet?" She's also as impatient as I remember. I can't help but crack a smile at that, quickly facing away. Garrus's comment about gazing at each other wasn't lost on me.

My fingers carefully apply the last piece of medical tape before sitting back with a nod. "Yeah, I think so. Get Chakwas to remove the shard pretty soon, though."

A sardonic, self-deprecating laugh erupts from her throat. "What's one more little chunk of metal in me?" My heart sinks a little at the comment about her resurrection; when did she become so bitter? Was that my fault? I can't help but glance back over at her, frowning. We both always loved making jokes to break the tension, but that wasn't a friendly jab at herself, that was caustic anger. I somehow manage to find some restraint and keep myself from reaching to touch her cheek when she looks back at me.

Whatever she sees in my expression – the worry, the longing, the confusion, I don't know – makes her blink again, cynicism fading. "…Hey, uh. Thanks. For trusting me." Before we can begin staring at each other again, she slowly uses her good hand to try and stand. Garrus and I both quickly help her get up.

"You're welcome." I look around quickly, grabbing my gun off the ground and holstering it. My eyes drift across Udina's body, stomach twisting a bit. Dead bodies don't bother me, even ones that I helped kill, but the way it all went down starts to really sink in. Sure, he was a threat: he had shot Kaelia, and he was getting ready to shoot the turian councilor. I had to take him out, protect the Council, but…that's not why I did it. Uncomfortable regret makes me shift from foot to foot as I stare at the blood slowly beginning to congeal around his head. Where I slammed him to the ground in anger.

I didn't kill Udina because I was trying to protect people; I killed him because I was furious that he had shot Kaelia. The realization makes me nauseous. I need to get out of here and think. Or maybe get drunk at home and _not_ think. I'm not sure. I start to scratch the back of my neck as blood drains from my face. Not entirely sure if it's shock or an adrenaline low. "I, uh. Need to take care of some things. When will you guys be leaving?"

Her voice lowers, bare hand reaching to touch my shoulder for a moment. She gets it. Of course she would, why wouldn't she? It's her, right?  "Probably not until tomorrow. I'll need to put in an official report and whatnot; I doubt they'll need more evidence with three councilor testimonies, but I'll be sure to let them know what happened."

The attempt at comforting me is appreciated, but ultimately futile. I'm beginning to get sick the longer I think about the pure rage, the uncontrolled power coursing through me as I slammed him into the ground. Flashes of Vyrnnus play through my mind. I had promised myself I would never do that again. "Good…good luck out there. I need to go." My eyes finally tear away from Udina's body, avoiding her gaze; I wouldn't be able to stand it. My feet quickly carry me back toward the elevator.

"Kaidan." Garrus's voice reaches me this time, stopping me dead in my tracks. Garrus and I were close friends once, practically brothers. All this damn tension from the Normandy's destruction, Cerberus, Horizon… My head droops; I miss him, too. "You going to be okay?"

No, I'm probably not going to be okay. I sigh and stand straight, back to the both of them. I can practically feel their concern bouncing off me. "Yeah…I'm good." I wish I were a better liar.

Her voice seems further away, toward the ledge; I can only assume that the Normandy's shuttle is picking them up as a dull engine noise moves closer. "Alright. Come by the Normandy before we leave, okay?"

It may seem like a placating move, but it's actually probably more selfishly motivated than not. If I know her, anyway. We both know I'm not the best when it comes to thinking alone. I nod and begin to fiddle with the elevator's control pad. Garrus hacked it pretty well, but I always was one of the better tech experts in our group. I'll get it working again.

"Don't think too hard. That's my job." Kaelia's last comment to me before they were whisked away by a shuttle breaks my concentration. It's the same thing she said to me after we had our talk about Ash and Virmire.

_"It was my call and I have to live with it." If it weren't for the freshly wiped away tears glistening on her face, you wouldn't know she had been crying. "That's why I'm in command. It's my responsibility and whether it was the right call or not, you know the reasons for my decision."_  
 _I paused, unsure if asking the question on the tip of my tongue was wise or not. A moment later, I decided to take the plunge anyway. We were already way out of line, secretively meeting and comforting each other in her room. "So…we…didn't have any influence on it?"_  
 _Green eyes whipped up to mine, hurt flooding them. "No, and the fact that you think it might have is insulting." Damn, she's right; that was the ultimate insult, suggesting she could have let personal feelings get another soldier killed._  
 _I looked away, sighing. "I'm sorry, you're right. I'm thinking too much."  
_ _She stood up and motioned to the door, face impassive again. Back to duty. "Don't think too hard. That's my job."_

They either did the best job in the world building a cyborg VI that was exactly like her, or Cerberus actually rebuilt that same woman. I suddenly realize that I don't care which the truth is. If this attack on the Citadel has proved one thing to me, it's that anything can happen and anyone can die at any time. The galaxy is in utter chaos and there's only one place I want to be. Advanced VI, AI, actually resurrected… It doesn't matter. The odds aren't in our favor to actually win this war, and all I want is to be with her – or some version of her – before the end. Call me selfish, I don't care.

I stop fiddling with the panel and pop my omni-tool up. Time to get my headache under control, make sure it wasn't due to the biotics I used earlier, and then I'm going to track her down. "Spectre Alenko here, requesting extraction in the Presidium. Not wounded, but I still need transport to the hospital. Elevators are out of order. Sending coordinates."


	2. Chapter 2

After all the chaos that happened yesterday, I can't believe how calm things seem from the Normandy's docking room. Steve was right: turning the audio down and watching ships silently glide from port to port is far more relaxing than one would think. I'll have to thank him for recommending it. I'm absolutely sick of thinking in my cabin and maybe it's something in my stance, but people haven't been bothering me as they go about their business. Wish it would happen more often, because I don't get enough opportunities to just _think_ without needing to stare at that damn fish tank.

The door leading to the docks beeps a few times before sliding open; that's odd. Everyone on the ship already has authorization and a badge. The only time it would beep rather than just open is if someone used an override code with higher clearance. Like Council approval. I slowly turn around, good hand inching its way toward my gun. You can never be too careful, especially with the coup attempt that put me in this damn cast.

Brown eyes immediately meet mine, slightly widening with surprise. "Shepard…" He takes another step in, door shutting behind him. He quickly glances down to my hand as it hovers over my pistol, frowning before looking back up to my shoulder. "Expecting trouble?"

"Kaidan." My hand flies away from the gun like an opposing magnet the second I recognize him. "Hey. Uh, no. But you can never be too careful. I, uh…was hoping you'd stop by."

A tense smile plastered on his face as he heads to stand next to me. It hits me that he's still focused on my makeshift cast…probably feeling guilty. He's always been the kind to take a squad injury as failure on his part. "I've been trying to wrap my head around what just happened. Are you okay?"

I shrug with my good shoulder. For once this isn't even bravado; the damage wasn't that bad. "I'll be alright. You sound…angry."

"Not angry. Well, not at you. And I'm fighting off a migraine." While he's still focused on my wound, I peer at his eyes. Yep, a little dilated. He probably is on his headache meds at the moment. That's not really a bad thing, though; he's often a little more candid when doped up. "It's just…not every day you have an armed standoff with someone you…"

Before I can look away, he manages to catch me gazing at him. What was he trying to say? My heart begins pounding. Someone he loves, used to serve under, has seen naked? He softly sighs and turns to stare out the window before continuing. "How it all went down, it's got me…I don't know."

"Then let's talk about it." Kaidan is prone to brooding if someone doesn't get him to open up. Maybe it'll be easier if I'm not staring at him the whole time; I turn and gaze out the window as well.

He takes a few moments to think before shaking his head. "No, we don't have to; you should be resting your shoulder."

Deflection always has been his number one choice. I lightly pat my shoulder to highlight how superficial the wound is, but I'm careful to avoid the fresh stiches near my armpit. "Chakwas already took the shard out and she told me to be gentle, but to keep using it. I have time."

"I…" A small dimple surfaces as he bites the inside of his cheek, nostrils slightly flaring with a sigh. He looks more torn than I'd prefer; his eyebrows even draw together for a split second before he nods. "Alright."

I manage to hold back a smile when he agrees. Yesterday was really hard on us both and it'll be good to air things out. Especially since I promised myself last night that I'd track him down and beg him to join me on the Normandy. His next sentence, more a question than a statement, quickly drops my heart to my feet.

His voice wavers a little, unsure. "I've been thinking and…I feel like you would've taken me out if I hadn't backed down."

Does he actually think I could have done that? Never. Even if I had to fight all those Cerberus troops myself, I could never have shot Kaidan. Seems like I'm still too good at pretending to be a bigger badass than I am, if he really feels this way. How do I even begin to explain? I can't tell him that I wouldn't have shot him, because then I'm admitting I can't do my job, but I can't tell him I would have, because…well, I _couldn't._ I had to trust that he still believed in me, even if only a little bit.

Might as well go with that angle. The truth has a funny way of working out.

"I trusted you, and I knew you'd come around." _Better to point out what did happen rather than what could've._ "The important thing is we stopped the coup and Cerberus can't hide anymore. The Citadel's secure."

Dammit, he knows me too well. He shakes his head and lifts his right hand, inspecting several scars lacing its palm. Kaidan's clearly not buying my redirection. "Sometimes the way a thing goes down does matter, Kaelia. Later on, when you have to live with yourself. Knowing that you acted…with integrity." He pauses, flexing his fingers. "Then it matters."

Realization blindsides me. That's the hand he favors when throwing around biotics. A quick peer over to his face cinches it: he's worried he let loose too much. "…You're talking about Udina."

He winces and nods quietly, looking back out to the latest ship to dock: a turian cruiser. Poor, sweet Kaidan. He didn't overreact to Udina; the damn man had just shot a Spectre and was getting ready to take out the turian councilor. If there was one thing he should have done, it was to take Donnel Udina out…and that's exactly what Kaidan _did_ do. I can't help but shake my head, barely managing to stop myself before I rest my hand against his arm.

"You think he would've come in quietly? Kaidan, he gave you no choice; you had to take him out. You acted with integrity, I saw the whole thing."

"No, you didn't." Fingers run through black hair, clenching at the nape of his neck, right near his implant site. This seems to be more than his usual worrying. "I lost control. I could've disabled him, knocked him out or something, but when he shot you…well, now he's dead instead."

Oh. That's what happened. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little blinded with pain – who likes getting shot? – but what I did register didn't seem to be out of line. Well, not _that_ out of line. Then again, if Udina had shot Kaidan…let's just say I understand where he's coming from. I probably would've even used my biotics and thrown him off the edge after shooting him in the legs a few times or something. But Kaidan and I have always had different ways of acting out. I sigh and fold my good arm under my cast, hoping that he doesn't catch the dull humor in my voice; he doesn't know I'm biotic yet.

"…If he had shot _you_ , I would've done the same thing."

_Or worse._

He shakes his head and I can't help but slide my hand down to my hip. He is so stubborn sometimes. "You did your job, Kaidan. You protected the Council from a serious threat. That's what being a Spectre is all about: making the tough choices, and even being the bad guy sometimes."

I pause, arm crawling back up to huddle under my cast again.  _Okay, I'm usually the bad guy._ "Or…a lot of the time, in my case. Just don't lose sight of what's really important, and you'll be fine. You've got a good head on your shoulders."

"Yeah, you're right… Thanks."

Kaidan's tone is a bit off; not low but almost wary. Well, wary isn't the right word…careful. Yeah, careful. And not the good kind of careful we used when hiding our relationship, but the type of careful that means someone is still being cautious with their heart. Most people would get disheartened at the idea of their former lover being _careful_ around them, but it actually comforts me a little bit because Kaidan is nothing if not guarded about this sort of thing. If he's tip toeing around me, that means he's acting a bit like his old self again.

I don't think he completely believes in himself yet, but I can tell he knows that at least _I_ believe in him. I really do, too. Even if emotion did take over a little, he still did the right thing at its core. Back before all this happened, Ash and I would've joked that he just needed to get drunk and forget about it, but now…well, that probably wouldn't be so wise. Either way, the silence between us is somewhat comfortable now. I watch a salarian cruiser slowly enter a nearby dry dock.

"Look, Shepard, there's, um, there's another reason I'm here." There's something different in his voice. I look over, curious. He seems almost…nervous. What could he possibly be nervous about? He clears his throat before continuing, catching my eye after a moment. "Hackett offered me a position, but I'd turn it down in a _second_ if there's a chance to join you on the Normandy again."

Someone cue the chorus of angels, the confetti, and all that party crap. My heart skips an unmistakable beat and I can't help but fumble over my words at first. It's exactly what I hoped would happen. I was half-worried I needed to convince him in some way, cajole at a bare minimum. But here Kaidan is, just _asking_ to come along…and even turning down what sounds like a pretty safe promotion to do so. A position with Hackett is about as safe as the Alliance can get these days, too.

"I…" Before I can go any further, the concept hits me again: safety. There's nothing _safe_ about what I do or where I go. I just ran a ground mission against a fucking Reaper in order to cure the genophage. Who _knows_ what I'll be doing next? Saving a quarian diplomat from a Reaper-possessed hanar Spectre? Both sound about as absurd. Can I really ask him to risk his life just to have him on the ship with me?

He looks down and away, his hands jabbing into pockets. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't spring that on you; I just…want to make a difference. You're the one who's going to win us this war, and I want to help. However I can."

That sounds ridiculously rehearsed. Which means it probably isn't the real reason. Maybe he does actually just want to be near me? Oh, hell. I'm seriously fawning over the thought that he could still be interested in me like that? I mean, _really_ interested? We're both adults here discussing our duties and jobs and dammit, I need to act like it. I shake my head to clear it, before clearing my throat.

"I'm sorry, it just surprised me. Mostly because I was going to find you and ask, myself." He looks back up at that, hopeful. Oh damn it, do I love those brown eyes. _I can't imagine taking on the Reapers without you._

The left corner of his mouth twitches up.

_Fuck. Did I say that out loud?_

My eyes immediately snap wide open.

"Couldn't imagine taking them on without you, either." He looks amused now. Dammit.

_I did._

My jaw works for a moment, trying to come up with a suitable response to that. I am _so_ bad at hiding my emotions around him.

He mercifully breaks the silence, warm but deliberate as he picks his words. "But in all seriousness, I mean that. And…Kaelia. I need you to know that I'll never doubt you again. I meant what I said before: I do trust you."

I might pass out. Is he smiling at me? After saying he trusts me? Oh gods. Just before I do something incredibly stupid, like break my stitches by shoving him against that wall and making myself an inextricable part of his face, the Normandy's airlock whirrs and swooshes open. We both immediately drop back into our usual stances, neutral expressions in place. Damn these regs.

"Good afternoon, Comman- er, Shepard. Major Alenko. Is there something going on out here? EDI wanted me to check. She said your heart rates were elevated and that was a usual sign of hostility." My poised comm specialist looks about as mortified as she can, hands wringing. I'd bet _anything_ Joker put her up to this. "I tried assuring her that was not the case, but you know how hard it is to argue with an AI."

_Mental note: torture Joker later. If I can use EDI to do it, all the better._

I give Traynor a friendly nod before gesturing to Kaidan. "Everything's fine. In fact, I'd like you to put in a new crew transfer. Major Alenko here's joining the crew as my XO. He technically outranks me, but I'm still in charge of this ship as per Hackett's orders."

A polite, white smile is immediately shot Kaidan's way, a dainty brown hand following to shake his hand. "That's wonderful to hear! I'm Comm Specialist Samantha Traynor. Garrus's story of how you helped keep the Comm- Shepard and the Council alive was most impressive. Welcome aboard, Major. I'll be sure to designate you a locker before we head out."

"Heh, Garrus still telling stories? I'll have to get him to fill me in later. It's good to meet you, Specialist."

She turns back to me, her brow twisted with apology. "When you are free, I have some information you should take a look at, Shepard…and I believe I will go add the Major to the system right now. Apologies." Before I can reply, the poor young woman turns and flees. I'll have to give EDI a good talking to tonight.

As soon as the Normandy's door shuts again, we both shake our heads.

"Joker?" He sounds more amused than upset; that's good.

I shrug. "Probably."

Kaidan chuckles softly, crossing his arms and leaning against the wall. That damn wall. "He hasn't changed at all, has he?"

"If anything, he's gotten worse." I pause for effect before gesturing to the ship. "Welcome back to the crazy boat, Alenko."

The smile is strained, but hiding in there is a small bit of that ease we used to have. At least he feels comfortable enough to actually joke about it. "Thank you, ma'am."


End file.
